Argy Bargy

Goodbye sweepstake money. And I had mentally already spent that £27.

Only sorry that we have been made to wait so long for a good on-pitch tussle. I love it when the beautiful game is sullied like that.

Weird football fans

England football fans in Germany supporting Germany to win against Argentina. Hearing them sing 'Lu, Lu Lukas Podolski' on Radio 5 this morning was too funny.

Then there were those dreadful posh schoolgirls cluttering up Cannon Street. Overhead one of them say 'oh really, Victoria I have faith in us to win'.

Overwhelming desire to box her ears.

Ecuador in Billericay

It's just not the same watching the World Cup in England and that's all there is to it.

Once there were 'plastic punks' - those people who spiked up their hair at the weekend and worked as bank clerks during the week. I consider all these men in pubs wrapped in flags and drinking lager to be plastic football fans.

There was a scuffle in the pub at the end of the match - and we seemed to be at the centre of it. It was my first experience of World Cup violence!

Ray Mears' campsite

Let me take you back to the Frankfurt campsite - a park with portaloos and 4 cold running showers in a hut. Full of nude, fat men. When I took myself off to the shower on match day I had to put myself in a cubicle surrounded by these chaps. As I was brushing my teeth, I started a conversation with the chap next to me - he DID have an Aston Villa tattoo.

I said, I bet when we leave this campsite, I will find out that there are wonderful womens' facilities 50 yards away, with steaming hot showers and a jacuzzi. 'Oh, love, there ARE womens' facilities in the administration tent. Go in there and you will find a vacuum cleaner and a cooker'.

My new room-mate

Being quite selfish, I don't really like to share my personal space. I like to spread out, indulge myself, have full control of TV remotes etc.

On taking down my tent in Nuremberg, imagine my delight when a rodent like creature ran out from underneath the tent. I had, in fact, been sharing my home for five days with a shrew.

George recuperates

George has retired to the suburbs where he is boring anyone who passes him with stories of his exploits at the World Cup.

Some people have taken to crossing over the road before they see him, or making fake phone calls and avoiding eye contact.

Germany in London

Needed therapy after last night's match so set off to see Fernando, the hairdresser.

He told me that a friend of his 'stands to win £150,000' in a World Cup bet. Wow, I said, that makes my sweepstake in Argentina look pretty measly. How will he manage that I wondered. Oh, Fernando couldn't remember all the details, but the bet included 'Brazil not making it through to the final 16 and Australia winning the tournament.'

Walked back through Clerkenwell where I discovered a new German sausage cafe called 'Kurz & Lang'. It sells Nuremberger sausages so I know where to go if I get sausage withdrawal.

Sweden in London

OK, so you may have noticed we have not been too close to our lovely blog for a while. The truth is that we made a snap decision to watch the match back home.

We had a hard time of it pushing George to Calais in time. Somewhere in France, he headbutted a large bird and we carried a few feathers home in the wipers. Then, about ten kilometres from Calais, and with as many minutes to go before the last ferry sailed, George made a dreadful grinding sound. Something technical, so I blanked it out.

George was practically wheeled onto the ferry, like an elderly day tripper. On the other side of the channel, the boys broke the news. George had snapped his fanbelt.

I built a nest in the backseat and went to sleep. The RAC man came, went and still I slept. Peter woke me up 10 minutes from Deptford.

Back for a home tie.

Shop windows

One thing Peter and I noted, especially in Frankfurt, was the quality of some window displays. A certain lack of imagination.

And then, as if to make up for it all, was this shop in Nuremberg. Mike Read surrounded by foxy ladies!

Prude of Brum, does that say?

You asked for proof of German headgear...

The wonderful Wolfgang and his father in law celebrate Germany's victory.

Nuremberg by the way...

is lovely!

Metatarsal update

Due to lack of oxygen tent to sleep in, my recovery is slow and painful.

But thanks to all of you for your obvious concern...

Nicht so gute Englisch...

1. T shirt on chap in service station "We hated ourselves each other"

2. Instructions on blow up toys given away at Fan Fest in Frankfurt

"Blow it by month through straw...
Flap two sticks together Bang Bang"

Quote of the day - are you Brazil in disguise?

One of the lads from next door.

"Ive got no idea what matches I have seen. Yesterday I was cheering on Brazil in a bar for half an hour before someone turned round to me and said 'that is Saudi Arabia playing'"

Big Jonesey has arrived

For days the boys next door have been telling me that Big Jonesey will be joining them soon. He has become like the camp Bogie Man. Oooh, wait till Big Jonesey arrives.

Very excited for days.

Introduced to him this morning. It seems that Big Jonesey refers purely to his girth...

The girl from Auntie

Somehow, the story has got out that we are working for the BBC, reporting on the behaviour of the English fans. Ian told Michael, one of the Germans, that we worked for the Bilericay Buglar. This story was filtered down to the English who are now refusing to invite me to join into their singsongs. But keep asking us when they are going to read about themselves on the BBC website...

The Germans win again

A cracking night in the camp last night. A barbecue outside and the English and German fans enjoying a good time with no unfortunate songs sung.

And the Germans showed us they can challenge us strongly on the ridiculous hat front.

Match day again

Internet access and power supplies have been patchy of late. But here we are now in an internet cafe underneath the main station in Nuremberg on match day with lots of catching up to do.

Our campsite has been fantastic, especially the first few days before the crowds arrived. Run by one extended family and with a group of German full time residents we are really enjoying a village atmosphere. Every night back at the tent we have been blessed with a clear sky full of stars and a big pudding faced yellow moon, owls flying around us.

Last night I caught myself saying something that no-one would have put a bet on last week. "I wouldnt mind coming back and camping here again...

The tour party

There are four of us on this trip. Ian, his son Peter and me.

And then there is George.

George is loud and proud. He smokes whereever he goes. But he always has a scream when he arrives in the town centre.

Quote of the day - Peter

That Ray Mears – he could live for one week on just one piece of straw, but he wouldn’t have survived that Frankfurt camp.

Tickets for the game

We watched Ghana play Italy in the campsite bar with a few lads. The final whistle went, and a lad’s phone went. After a brief conversation he said to us ‘That was the missus. She said, “I have just checked your email and you’ve got tickets for the Italy match”. “Brilliant, I said, which one?” “Oh, the one against Ghana”, she said…’

A massive injury blow

Sunday night, the England camp and another broken metatarsal.

I may have been a trifle tired and emotional as I walked back to the meadow and the tent. I tripped over next door's rope and broke my big toe.

It is now a big cartoon throbbing thing. My football career is over.

More childish behaviour

Toilet roll dispenser in Nuremberg camp site

Childish behaviour

Forever England...

Now that we have happily settled into our new site, in the middle of nowhere seemingly but not too far from the scene of our second match, we have spent some time visiting the mobile homes of other fans. Getting to know the neighbours.

Let's just say that they are making my wet wipes look pretty feeble. The boys next door arrived, set up a mobile kitchen, a gazebo, sliced some vegetables and had a bottle of merlot breathing before we had managed to open a bottle of beer. Next door but two, the lads have a wallpapered self built mobile home, complete with satellite TV with hundreds of channels, two barrels of draught fosters, with matching glasses and built in bar, a microwave, a toilet cubicle with its own bucket and laminate flooring. They asked us to wipe our feet on the England mat outside the front door.

More scouse shennanigans

Last night, the scouser who attempted to pitch his tent from the inside out surpassed himself.

We were having a quiet drink at camp at midnight, sitting in our England deck chairs when he came along dragging a campbed which he attempted to fit into his tent. Although it didn’t quite fit, he valiantly settled in, with his feet sticking out the tent flap. For about 15 minutes we just watched the tent squirming and shifting, like a living breathing thing. That man has given us more laughs than anything else on this trip.

Honourable mentions

The Australians camping next to us in the park in Frankfurt who had travelled for 42 hours with an inflatable kangaroo.


The mother and father collecting for leukaemia research in the main square on Saturday morning. They walked to Frankfurt, setting out after the FA cup final. www.justgiving.com/walkingtotheworldcup.

One female fan obliging thousands of England fans by really getting her tits out for the lads on the big screen over the river in Frankfurt.

Aging lothario and Peter Stringfellow look-alike in his fake fur lined Starsky and Hutch style car attempting to drive through a crowd of drunken English fans after the match in Frankfurt. England fans climbing over car and taking photos of each other

The scores on the doors

Met the world's most miserable fan today. We were in the main square in the morning, enjoying beautiful sunshine, lots of singing and football and beer and a wonderful atmosphere. Chelsea fan strolls up. 'shit morning ain't it?'.

What can you say? Heartily disagreed with him, and he backtracked so dramatically it was like a moon dance.

Watched all the matches today down by the river with 45,000 shirtless, lobster pink, lairy, tattooed English fans.

So proud...

Happy campers

Arrived 11.30 pm at camp site in park in Frankfurt. Blagged our way in as the site was already 'voll'. Heavy night of carousing scousers singing 'Stevie Gerrard, he is so hard' at 3.30 am.

Morning lightened by the following: one scouser attempting to pitch his tent from inside, rolling around like a cat in a sack.

But, the absolute joy of 15 lads starting breakfast on a home made barbecue next to us has to be shared. This consisted of one stolen bike and a flower pot (surely stolen too), two bags of charcoal and a packet of bacon.

Overseas travel broadens the mind

Whizzed across France, Belgium and Germany, being `tooted´ up by other England fans all of whom were overtaking us at quite a rate.

Stopped by the Polizei at the border. Difficult not to ask for directions to the camps..

Best part of the journey was stopping at small service station to see the start of the German match. Laughing heartily when Costa Rica equalised. Laughed louder at large German man with mullet and home made teeny tiny denim hotpants wearing white clogs that looked like hooves.

Fellow English travellers travelling in smart new motor home told us they had accidentaly filled their fresh water tank with diesel at previous garage. The English are DEAD hard. Diesel showers. Come on you boys!

"Argentina!"

Drew Argentina in office sweepstake.

"To Argentina" [verb, specific to Birmingham in the late 1970s]

To throw confetti, litter or other paper pieces, out of upper deck window of buses when travelling through enemy territory* shouting "Argentina" at passers-by.

* = rival council estates

Panic sets in

Pitifully unprepared for World Cup trip. So far I have:

• sleeping bag, borrowed off colleague
• tent, borrowed off a different colleage
• travel insurance

Before 6.00 am on Friday I must:

collect tranquilisers from chemist, buy toiletries, buy new wallchart, pack pens, find power adaptors, shave legs, paint toenails, find World Cup Willie headscarf, tell all my friends where I am going, empty intray at work, brief neighbours, calculate how many wetwipes required, purchase wetwipes, identify clothes that don't need ironing, pack, locate CDs to take that won't show me up, buy reading material.

Oh - and find accommodation in a country with no vacancies.

Anywhere...